“It is so hard to believe what God says about me. Don’t get me wrong, I really want to believe what he says about me, but it is so far-fetched how can it be true?
He says I’m clean, but I know I’m dirty.
He says I’m guiltless, but I know I’m guilty.
He says I’m free, but I know I’m in bondage.
When God talks about me it sounds like he’s talking about someone else. It sounds like a nice philosophy, but it’s just not reality.
“I believe what I believe. It is hard to move me off of what I believe. I may try to act differently, but deep in my heart what I believe about myself is who I believe myself to be. Perhaps it was put there by my parents when I was young. Perhaps it was put there by events of my life. Perhaps I simply reached my own conclusions based on my evaluation of myself. However I arrived, there are a series of statements I believe about myself and I truly believe them to be true even if God doesn’t.
“So what do I do if I just don’t believe what God says about me? I believe him about other things, I mean, I certainly believe what God says about you. For sure I believe what God says about the end of the world. I even believe in what God says about forgiveness and love and salvation and grace. I believe all those abstract theological statements. I believe it all, until God talks about me.
“Why don’t I believe what God says about me?
“Who am I to dispute with God, even about myself?
“Do I know me better than God?
“Do I know what is true better than God?
“Am I the definer of reality?
“Do my beliefs about something make it true?
“Then why don’t I believe what God says about me? Why do I have the faith to believe what God says about you, but not the faith to believe what God says about me? Perhaps it is because I’ve believed these things about myself my whole life. I have so much evidence that I can’t imagine any other truth than what I’ve decided is true. I can’t see myself in any other way.
“What I believe about me is so deeply embedded that to believe something different would take a monumental effort. A complete redefinition of everything I know about me. I would have to rethink everything about me; everything I’m comfortable with, all the rules I operate my life by. My entire view of the world will shift if I believe what God says about me.
“And I don’t know if I’m ready for that.
“I don’t know if I can handle that.
“As painful as it is to believe what I believe about me, perhaps the pain of believing what God says about me is more than I really want to endure right now.”