I’m a control guy. I like to be in control. I don’t mind if someone else is in control if they are competent, but generally speaking I’d prefer to be in the driver’s seat. I’m smart. I get along with people. I make generally good decisions. My analysis skills are excellent. I don’t mind asking others for input, but I’d prefer to keep the final decision in-house if you know what I mean. I’m perfectly capable of handling my life. Heck, I could probably even do a better job with your life if you’d just listen to me.
This week I’ve been thinking about powerlessness and I must say, I’m thoroughly uncomfortable with the entire concept. The first step to recovery is admitting we are powerless. Who wants to do that? Who wants to admit defeat? Who wants to confess weakness? Who wants to acknowledge inability to overcome? I don’t want to do that. And I can’t imagine that I would be any different if I had a serious addiction.
In his book Addiction & Grace Dr. May says that he first tried to “fix” all the addicts he treated but met with great failure. It wasn’t until he realized his own addictions, admitted he was powerless to overcome them, and surrendered the control that he began to not only heal himself, but help guide others toward healing.
I believe I need to stop fighting for control. I believe it is better for me to surrender to Holy Spirit and allow him to be in control of my life. The problem is, I don’t want to be powerless. It makes me feel weak and helpless and… out of control. And I’m afraid that God is going to do something drastic to force me to come to terms with my own powerlessness. I’m trying to let go but it is just so unnatural for me. I want Jesus to be in control of my life as long as he takes me where I’ve decided I’m going.
God please be patient with me. I’m coming to terms with my own powerlessness as quickly as possible.